Cannonball
by alexismoonshine
Summary: Just a few random memories of Remus's as he recalls his relationship with Sirius. Based off the song cannonball by Damien Rice. Warning: Slash, so if you're not into that, don't read it. RL/SB. Finished.
1. Verse One

_**Title: **__**Cannonball**_

_**Pairing: **__**Remus Lupin/Sirius Black**_

_**Rating: **__**T **_

_**Summary: **__**Snippets of Remus and Sirius's relationship, told by Remus as he reminisces, based in the Damien Rice song.**_

_**Disclaimer: **__**I don't own any of the characters, they're products of a genius far greater than mine, or the song either… actually I have to say thanks to LadyBush for quoting it in 'the A to Z of R and S" because it's a really pretty song.**_

_**AN: Um… yeah, I'm relatively new to fan fiction and this is my first ever slash fic, so bare with me, it's probably shit.**_

There's still a little bit of your taste in my mouth

There's still a little bit of you laced with my doubt

It's still a little hard to say what's going on

There's still a little bit of your ghost your witness

There's still a little bit of your face I haven't kissed

You step a little closer each day

That I can't say what's going on

Stones taught me to fly

Love, it taught me to lie

Life, it taught me to die

So it's not hard to fall

When you float like a cannonball

There's still a little bit of your song in my ear

There's still a little bit of your words I long to hear

You step a little closer to me

So close that I can't see what's going on.

Stones taught me to fly

Love taught me to lie

Life taught me to die

So it's not hard to fall

When you float like a cannon.

Stones taught me to fly

Love, it taught me to cry

So come on courage, teach me to be shy

'Cause it's not hard to fall,

And I don't want to scare her

It's not hard to fall

And I don't want to lose

It's not hard to grow

When you know that you just don't know

**There's still a little bit of your taste, in my mouth:**

For once, in all our years of Hogwarts, sitting in the hard wooden chairs of a subject you were only ever good at if it involved Snape sprouting horns, the term 'Charms' seemed to fit. My quill was lose in my hand, and I knew, even if nobody else did, that I wouldn't be working any harder in class than you that day. My fingers traced the all too familiar lines of a hurried engraving in the wood of our desk, 'RL for SB'… so many fantasies, so many classes spent dreaming of your face in my hands, your lips on my lips, my fingers tangled in your long black hair… so many prayers, so much time… and yet… just when I thought it was all for nothing…

Your head turned a little, in the studious silence of Flitwik's class, and I saw the glimmer in your big grey eyes, they caught mine and I stopped. My lips grew dry, and I remembered.

Whisky fires in our heads, a hot, dry silence in the near empty common room, your hand on my hand... a thick, sticky heat in the centre of my heart… your eyes fluttering closed, your lips on my lips, your hands in my hair, your tongue on my tongue.

Flitwik coughed and you turned away, I licked my parted lips, there was still a little bit of your taste in my mouth. I saw you swallow out the side of my eye. Could you taste me too?

**There's still a little bit of you laced, with my doubt.**

You and I always liked Christmas, but never for the same reasons as everyone else. The holidays emptied our dorm like water through sand, gave us time to think, to know, to understand, to do whatever it was that we were doing to each other, without fear of exposure. You were always cheerier in the holidays, knowing that there was nobody around that you felt the need to hide from, you could lie there in my arms and let the real world wash away for a while, embrace who you were and forget who you were supposed to be. But there was an edge to your disposition that Christmas eve, as we sat, your arm around my shoulders my hand in your hand, by the crackling whispering fire. You didn't want to talk, and I wondered if somebody knew.

"Sirius?" My voice was still hoarse from the transformation of the night before.

"Mmm?"

"You're hiding something?"

"Am I?"

"I haven't seen you this tense since… what's wrong?"

"I can't."

"You can."

"No."

"Is it about us?"

"…"

"Sirius."

"I… Moony I don't want to talk about it."

But you didn't really need to, your face was ashen even in the firelight, laced with those same doubts I'd found, and confronted in myself. I knew you, Sirius; I knew what it was, how it felt, and how badly you wanted it to go away. What would your parents say? How would James react? I wanted to open my mouth, let all of my old fears pour out of it in mumbles, to tell you 'not to try to be anything other than what you feel, love can't be restricted by what's right and what's wrong' and that sort of thing, but I couldn't, this was your war, and if you didn't fight yourself to the death about then you'd never learn, that was always your way. You turned to smile at me, relieved, I suppose, at my ability to shut up when necessary, but your eyes are troubled, something in that little crease next to the bridge of your nose… you'd been fighting yourself about this for so long, and there's still a little bit of you laced with my doubt. But I know now, I know that I love you, I don't want girls anymore… I don't want anybody else. I just had to sit patiently, wait for you to come to those same conclusions. It sounds conceited, just _presuming _your love for me was real, but I didn't need to be told, it was there in your eyes, that same heat, that same fear, that same, ruthless, unyielding need that enveloped my own heart.

"I love you Siri." I whispered into the warmth of your neck, placing gentle kisses on the soft skin there.

"I know." You whispered back, that was all I wanted to hear.

**And it's a little hard to say, what's going on:**

Your hand in mine is reassurance, though I know your heart is beating even faster than mine. It'll be okay you know? They love us, they love all of us. They won't care too much, you know they won't. But James and Peter are still sitting, frozen to the spot in what you probably mistook to be horror. You want to explain, but the words won't come out, you turn to me, and I turn to them. We all want somebody to break the silence, but none of us wants to be the one to set the ball rolling. James, always the bravest, opens his mouth.

"So… you're…" he begins, but he chokes on the words, you squeeze my hand tighter, and I can feel your pulse like a rampaging bull.

"You're not just… fooling around or anything?" Peter's voice is more stable, his face calmer.

"No." You and I both answer at the same time, I fight a smile.

"Are you… a thing then?" James asks, "An item?"

"Look, James…" You finally speak, and your voice is hushed, a shadow of that beautiful, heart wrenching purr that you use on me sometimes. "I know that this is… weird… and I've been wanting to tell you for a while, but…"

"But the words just won't come out?" James finishes your sentence. "No pun intended."

We laughed, the four of us, this wasn't that hard…

"I suppose you could say that." You smile. "It's a little hard to say what's going on, but, all I know is that I love Moony and he loves me."

"Right…"

"You don't mind, do you?" I ask, your fingers brush the skin on my wrist.

James grins. "Remus, you, Sirius and Peter are my whole world, my best buddies, so what if you're secretly fucking?"

You cough, your cheeks starting to develop that warm, pink glow.

"If you're in love, then we're happy for you. Right Pete?"

Peter is chewing his nails; he nods at us, smiling awkwardly. He's probably remembering that time he found us making out on the couch in the common room and hoping we won't reveal to James that he kept it a secret.

I feel like a weight has been lifted from my chest. I told you didn't I? We'd be fine, we're always fine.

_**So… yeah, tell me what you think (cough, review!) I've never written anything even mildly close to this before so it's a whole new thing and it's probably shit… but yeah… R and R, or whatever the lingo on here is **_


	2. Verse Two

_**Title: **__**Cannonball**_

_**Pairing: **__**Remus Lupin/Sirius Black**_

_**Rating: **__**T **_

_**Summary: **__**Snippets of Remus and Sirius's relationship, told by Remus as he reminisces, based on the Damien Rice song.**_

_**Disclaimer: **__**I don't own any of the characters, they're products of a genius far greater than mine, or the song either… actually I have to say thanks to LadyBush for quoting it in 'the A to Z of R and S" because it's a really pretty song.**_

_**AN: Um… yeah, I'm relatively new to fan fiction and this is my first ever slash fic, so bare with me, it's probably shit.**_

**There's still a little bit of your ghost, your witness:**

My feet are starting to hurt; I remember Dumbledore once told me that no good ever came of wearing holes in the floor. He's a great man, Dumbledore. He let me have you, there to hang on my wall, that's how you wanted it after all, "Don't you dare leave me in that house with that raging bitch." You said. It was all right with Harry, he knew you meant a lot to me too. But sometimes, Siri, I wish you weren't there, hanging there behind glass hurling insults and snide comments, laughing and teasing as if you were really there, watching, talking… but always out of reach.

Mostly it's the portrait that gets to me, but I know, that even if I burnt it… smashed it or gave it away, you'd still be there, watching me… I see your face in every cloud, every window, and every wall… I hear your voice in every raindrop, in the hum of the refrigerator… in the static of the un-tuned radio. There's still a little bit of your ghost, your witness, in everything I see and do. You follow me like a lost dog and I can never be rid of you. You're everywhere, Sirius, except in my arms, the one place I want you to be.

Tonks opens the door; her face is full of sadness… she hates to see me up here, all on my own… avoiding her, avoiding you. She knows it all now, of course, everybody does, I know you wouldn't mind that much, you were always the one itching to tell everybody, to invite everyone you've ever known to our… oh don't make me think about, and I couldn't attend your… your goodbye pretending you were less to me than what you really were. So my lady knows it all, every last grizzly, dirty detail… I think she finds it a bit of a turn on really… a lot of girls like that stuff… each to their own I guess… I mean, who am I to point fingers.

"Remus…"

I love her… don't think I don't, but she isn't you Siri…

And by the way, I say it's a royal pain in the ass and that I wish it'd stop… but don't you ever stop haunting me. Ever.

**There's still a little bit of your face I haven't kissed.**

"Where does it hurt?" Your hands run over my jaw, and that small, tactile slither of bliss seems to quiet my dying wolf, forcing him deep into the abyss of my body to sit another month in silence. I fight not to whimper, not to sigh as your fingers touch the delicate flesh of a fresh bruise.

"Everywhere." I whisper softly, your big silver eyes look down at me, the corners twisted in concern. I raise a hand to touch your face, so beautiful, so perfect in its concern.

"Kiss it better." I mumble into a warm silence broken only by our breathing.

You press your lips the my bare, ruptured skin of my neck, your lips on the wounds are like the soft touch of the gods, healing, fixing without really meaning to. Not literally of course… lovely as you are Padfoot, even _you _don't have the kiss of life, but something about your love makes everything better. When I'm with you, I don't care what I am, or what people say, or how much it hurts… because I know that _you _love me, _you _accept it, and that's all that matters.

Your lips trace a line up my jaw, planting soft, tender kisses all over my beaten face, I close my eyes and you kiss their lids… the tenderness is too much. I run my hands down your arms. Footsteps sound beneath us. You stop.

"Siri…" I whisper, If Pomfrey saw you here….

"There still a little bit of your face I haven't kissed." You sigh, you take my face gently in your hands and your lips are on mine. You shouldn't linger, she'd be here any second, but you do, your lips pulsing against mine, your tongue searching my mouth, tangling with mine. You linger for almost a second too long, and I am powerless to stop you.

"I love you, Moony." You whisper, and you're gone before I can reply.

**You step a little closer each day:**

Your face is stony and I know you've been arguing. Regulus, your mother, Bellatrix and Narcissa... the words are all the same. But they don't know you Padfoot… not like I do. I wish you could see yourself through my eyes. You're beautiful Siri, no matter what they say about you, how can I prove that to you without you taking it the wrong way? I can't, because the wrong way is the right way. I love you Siri… I wish that you knew… that you loved me too.

You throw yourself down on the couch, arms folded, jaw set firmly in a scowl. I want to hold you close, and tell you not to worry. But that stuff's for girls, right? So I scoot a little closer, not touching, mind, never touching.

"What's wrong?"

Your face softens, the way it does when you let yourself talk.

"Nothing, really... just… Regulus…" You scoff, "Filthy slime bag that he is."

"What did he do?" I push, you open up so easily now, a few weeks ago you would have told me to fuck off, and then preceded to sulk in the dorms for an hour or so… but things are different now… when things are wrong, you come to me, when you can't tell another soul, you tell me…

"Just the usual, 'blood traitor' 'not my brother' 'disgrace to my name' sort of thing, nothing to cry about." You say, but even if it were, would you cry in front of me? I think you would. Maybe you don't realize it Padfoot, but your closer to me than you'd ever admit to being comfortable with… you step a little closer each day, and when you're ready to touch I'll be waiting for you.

**And I can't say what's going on.**

What is this? This is wrong. This is wrong wrong wrong! Who do you think you are Sirius Black? Making me feel this… this… whatever this is? Who do you think you are, with your beautiful eyes and your soft skin… your silky hair and your laugh… your _laugh._ That's the worst part isn't it? If it were just a material thing then it'd be… it'd be okay… but it isn't. It isn't okay.

There you stand, some poor artist's tribute to Adonis, in your black and red robes, smiling the way you do when you're plotting something awful. You're so terrible Sirius! The things you do, the pranks you play… so why can't I find in single fault? Why does that smile follow me everywhere? I'm scared to sleep lest I should cry out your name…

People know something's up, but they'll never put a finger on what. They're too scared to ask, and I can't say what's going on. All I know id that something about you strips me bare of every pretense, Sirius. I can hide it from them, and from you, but I can't hide it from myself. Sirius Black, conceited, arrogant bastard that you are, I think I love you.

_**Yeah, so… reviews would be nice. I am thoroughly determined to finish this… but reviews would probably give me a bit of a kick… you know. **_


	3. Chorus

**Author's notes: So this chapter's a bit weird… especially the third part… I couldn't find any other way to make that line work… so I had to think outside the box. I like to think of them like that… even through I'm not really religious… **

**Stones taught me to fly:**

Being, well… who I am, well _what _I am, I'm sort of used to people throwing stones. It doesn't hurt anymore, I've told you that. I'm twenty, Sirius, I'm a big boy now, but there's not much I can say to calm you down when you get this wound up. I stroke your face as you swear and curse.

"How dare they? If they knew what it was like for you… revolting, prejudiced, vile, malicious bastards… all of them."

"Sirius, calm down, you're going to pull something."

"How can you be so civil?" Your voice grows soft and you turn to me, your eyes searching my face for any sort of lie. My insides grow warm with the knowledge of how much you care. You brush your fingers through my hair, your eyes fluttering shut as you move closer. You kiss my lips softly.

"How can you be so calm?"

"Because I don't care what they say." I whisper, my voice hoarse with longing as your lips touch my neck.

"Well I do. They can't exactly expect to say those things about the centre of my world and not pay for it."

"You should always forgive your enemies, nothing annoys them so much."

"That's profound, Moony."

"It's Oscar Wilde."

"Whoever he is."

"Uncultured mutt."

"Nerdy wolf."

I sigh, leaning my head on your shoulder. It's snowing outside. James and Lilly will be here soon. Your hands are squeezing mine tight.

"Remus?"

"Hmm?"

"It really doesn't bother you, does it? That they think you're a monster."

"You don't think I'm a monster, neither does James, or Lilly, or Peter, nobody I care about ever throws stones, so why should I be bothered?"

"You're a very wise man, Moony." You say, curling into me as if were a favourite blanket. I wrap my arms around you, my shining beacon of support.

"And you're an irrational, violent, over-emotional child, Padfoot."

"Very funny." You whisper.

"You know why else it doesn't get to me anymore?" I say; you look up.

"Why?"

"Do you remember… that first time… up in the common room… we were a bit pissed." I start. You give me a look as if to say 'duh'.

"Of course."

"Before anything really happened I was crying, right?"

"Yeah…. Snivelly was giving you a grilling about your 'furry little problem…'"

"And you held my hand and told me that Snivelly was dirt anyway, and that it didn't matter…"

"Because I love you and why do you need Snivelly's respect when you have me, right."

"Yeah… that was it." I smile and lay a gentle kiss on your forehead.

"Pads, if nobody ever gave me a hard time about the wolf thing, if nobody ever hurt me, or made me cry… you never would have got out that whisky to drown my sorrows… I never would have confessed, you never would have kissed me…"

"I guess we owe the stone throwers a lot then, huh?"

"Yeah… I mean… cheesy as it sounds… stones taught me to fly."

"That is pretty cheesy…" You mutter pushing me against the back of the couch with a dark look in your silvery eyes.

**Love taught me to lie.**

I can't take another step… for what I'm about to do leaves me no other choice but to disappear. If this were a crappy romance movie I'd probably say something like 'it was the hardest goodbye I ever had to say.' But it was more than that, I felt as if it were the last goodbye of my life, from the moment the cursed words slipped from my mouth I would disappear entirely, fall into the black abyss to be less than a memory, a fate worse than death. So why was I doing it? Why put myself through that pain.

Your face is hollow, that beauty shriveling like a dying flame, almost as if to try to prove to me that I don't yearn for you every moment of every day. You fall to your knees, hands grabbing at my robes.

"Remus, don't leave me… I don't care what you are. I don't care! Can't you see that?" You're devastated. I knew this would happen, ideally you would have shrugged your shoulders, confessed that you didn't really care, and walked away… leaving me to be the broken one… but it never works that way.

"I know, Sirius. It's not that. I just…"

"You just what?"

My heart wrenches, burning, throbbing, tearing in a hundred different directions as I prepare to break you into pieces.

"I just don't… love you… anymore." I say. I'm proud of how the words sound, strong, and so sure. I look at you, frozen, broken at my feet and I try to tell myself it's worth it. This is easier than the alternative. I can lie, love taught me to lie, but if I hurt you… If I… killed you… Sirius, I couldn't go on. I promise you now that I won't come crawling back. I love you too much to put you through this again. I'm sorry.

**Life taught me to die.**

How do you explain it, falling into the darkness, going on to a better place where things are good again...? Well, I'm not going to tell anybody. Who am I to give away the secrets of the gods? I could go for the whole 'the last thing I saw was a flash of green light, I heard screams, and then I was guided down a long tunnel with a light at the end…' but that's not exactly it, nor is it very imaginative.

All I know is that you were there, waiting for me… and it was as if nothing had changed… it was James and Lilly and you and me all over again… after all these long years of pain and trying to fill the holes you left behind… I'm not profound enough, or wise enough, or strong enough, to tell you how it felt to touch you again… so I'll skip a bit of… time? Does time occur in the afterlife? I don't know…

We are lying by a river; a quiet, pretty scene conjured by your own theories of perfection. I am draped across your chest, your hands in my hair, it still feels odd, being this young again.

"Do you think you were ready?" You ask, looking down at me through your hair.

"Ready to die?"

"Yeah."

"Well… I think… in a way, nobody's ever really ready for death, Sirius." I can feel your breath on my neck.

"How can you be ready for something you know so little about?"

You nod in agreement.

"But at the same time, even though I had to leave Teddy, and Harry and so many people behind, even though I'll always be torn between this world and theirs… I think… in a way… I _was _ready."

You roll me over, one hand on my shoulder so that you can look in my eyes. I blush, turning away.

"There isn't really many things that you learn in life that can prepare you for death, but, in saying that… in time you learn that it's just… necessary… you can't live without dying… you can't love without hate, or be happy without sadness…"

"So, you were ready?" You ask, your beautiful face caught in a moment of deep contemplation.

"Life taught me to die. I did what I could, and I wasn't afraid of what came next"

You bow your head to kiss me, your lips are soft and you taste of cinnamon and aftershave.

"You're so profound Moony."

"How so?"

"All I could think about was how much of a bitch Bella was and how badly I missed you."

You lie back down and we watch the sky for a while, time never passes in the afterlife, we had forever now. I'd spent so long grieving over and end that never really existed in the first place. Somebody, I can't really remember who, once said that life is hard and death is the easiest thing in the world, and here, in this beautiful world of the dead, I am content to believe them.

**And it's not hard to fall when you float like a cannonball.**

"It's sort of weird, don't you think." Your eyes are hazy with something I understand but can't find a word for. "How easy this is."

We are lying on my bed, the sickle moon creeping through a gap in the curtains and illuminating your glorious face. Our bodies are soaked in sweat, and other things, and you run your hand along my thigh, sending a shiver that ran underneath my skin like velvet.

"How easy what is?" I ask sleepily. I almost ask you to go back to your own bed, James and Peter will be back soon, but I don't. I'll risk exposure for a few more hours curled against your body.

"This." You mumble. "Us."

"It wasn't in the beginning you know." I point out, your raven hair falls over your face as you bow your head.

"I know. I was a cock."

"No… no, before you even knew. I was tearing myself up..." I pause as the look on your face twists into an expression of horror. "Not literally, about whether or not to tell you."

"You were?"

"Yeah…"

"For how long?" You touch my cheek tentatively.

"Since second year…

"No…"

"Yep."

"Remus, you should've…"

"I know… but you know what I'm like with my secrets." I move closer to your body, so that we're pressed as closely together as the laws of solid objects will let us be. You drape your arm over me and hold me tight.

"Things got better though, once you came in to the picture." I whisper against your hair. "I thought you'd be awkward about it… but you weren't… we just fitted together so perfectly."

"You're so cheesy."

"I know."

You kiss my neck ravenously, and for a while we just lie there in silence. Your lips wander and I close my eyes, I can feel your breath on my lips for a moment before your mouth crashes on to mine, we're a messy, uncoordinated tangle of limbs and lips and tongues… pulsing, thriving a every touch… I roll you over on to your back and we kiss for a long time…

"You know Siri…" I whisper, my voice a little low and husky… "I'd never go so far as to call you easy, but I always wondered why you gave in so easily… for years and years you didn't show a sign of wanting to be anything more than my friend, and all of a sudden I pop the question and you dive in like a ravenous wolf."

"Are you doubting my sincerity Mr. Moony?" You ask, smiling across at me languidly.

"No… I just wondered…"

"Remus Lupin." You heave yourself on to one elbow and stare at me for a while. "From the moment I met you, I wanted nothing but to jump your bones… you made me so weak with desire that I couldn't drop a hint for fear of you turning me away."

I look up at you, bewildered. You've never told me this before. I swallow and you keep going.

"The moment you said what you did, even though you were drunk as hell, my head exploded into stars… believe me Moony, it's not hard to fall when you float like a cannonball."

"Now who's being cheesy?" I manage to say. The heat in my heart seems to expand; filling every part of my body with a glow that chases away all my doubts. You always loved me.

_**Yep, that'll all I have so far… it's not brilliant, but reviews would be really nice. **_


	4. Verse Three

**A/N: **_**So… got my first review today! Thanks! It really means a lot! I don't like this chapter too much, I think I rushed it… but you know… I'm not a very good writer because my mind tends to work in pictures… which is always great fro reading fanfiction (especially the dirty stuff) but not so great for writing it… Okay I'm babbling. I hope you like it! Presuming anyone's actually reading this….**_

**There's still a little bit of your song in my ear**

How do you explain a hurt so deep, to a company so ignorant that they don't even know what really caused it? You always told me that we should flaunt it, that our friends deserved to know what was really going on.., and I wish now that I'd just gone with it… that way I wouldn't have to stand here and explain to everyone… to Tonks… to the Weasleys… to Harry, why I'm the one that can't hold myself together. I'm not crying. There's not enough of me left to even process this… I'll be glad when it's all over, the laughing… the crying… the funny stories… so I can just get back to our… _my_ flat and forget about everything.

The funeral was horrible. They always are when you know the person well enough. I was sitting with Harry… he needed you Sirius, maybe more than I do, and now you're gone. He's handling himself okay, better than I am. He's so much like our James, Padfoot… so much stronger than I'll ever be. Various people got up and said various things… but I wasn't really listening. I knew it all already, I didn't need to be reminded of your bravery, or your disobedience… certainly not the latter at least. I sort of… half-slept… letting it all wash through me, trying to laugh at the right moments and all… but I was just numb… to the point where I wondered how many people would care if I got up and left… but that's when they played your song. You remember, don't you? That time at Lilly's house? With that tape-recorder that she had that you and James couldn't seem to get your heads around? You wrote a song about Lilly and James, it was pretty terrible, but hilariously beautiful at the same time, always interrupted by our giggling. They edited out the verse about Snape, which was a shame because it was always my favourite…

I sat there, and the sound of your voice over the crackling of the speakers was the most haunting thing… you have no idea. To hear you laugh, to hear you sing and joke and snort… it broke me Padfoot… and now I stand here, next to your memory and I know it's all over, but there's still a little bit of your song in my ear, you're still inside me, as you will always be… and maybe I'm a better person for it… but all I want to do is curl up and join you, wherever you are. How could they take you away from me, Sirius? What am I supposed to do without you?

**There's still a little bit of your words I long to hear.**

"_Moo_ny." Your hands are rubbing circles on my back, unknotting all the muscles, I writhe and groan in apprecciation, but I still won't answer you. it's too petty, you'll laugh at me.

"Just tell me." You say, you were always so infuriatingly impatient.

I shake my head.

"Am I so terrible that you can't even say it out loud?" You ask, you're only joking, but your voice is cautious.

" I just… I want you to stop hinting." I say.

"What do you mean."

"I want you to tell me how you feel."

"But you know how I feel."

We'd been through this so many times. You're afraid of those three words, I know you are, because in saying them you feel like you're signing a contract, a contract that you'd sign anyway… but it was one of those habits you seemed to hold, hard to teach an old dog new tricks… pun intended. I wonder if you've ever said them to anyone, probably not. I'd be the first then, and I was so ready to squeeze them out of you.

"I want you to say it."

"Why?" Your face is jokingly tortured.

"Because I do. Come on Siri… I love you, it's not that hard."

"You know I do Remus, I show you, isn't that more important?"

"There's still a little bit of your words I long to hear, come on Sirius… tell me."

"I… I love you Moony."

"There, that wasn't so hard was it?"

"Do I get a reward, like a good doggy?" You ask, putting up your hands and begging… I laugh and lean in to kiss you. I'd known all along that you loved me, but hearing it made it so much more real.

**You step a little closer to me.**

We're sitting together, you and I, in our best robes, you've pinned a white rose to your chest. Lilly looks beautiful in white, she always has. Somebody even managed to make James's hair sit flat. You say that they must have shaved his head and given him a wig. Nobody's looking at us, why would they? They're all dancing, laughing, drinking, watching the bride and groom. I take your hand under the table.

"They're good together, aren't they?" I say. "Considering she spent so long hating his guts."

"Yeah…" You answer, an old grin creeps into your face. "Just goes to show that James Potter always gets what he wants."

You throw back another glass of pink cherry champagne and turn to me with a small smile. I squeeze your hand tight, hoping that nobody can see the tenderness in my face as I look at you across the table.

"And we don't?"

You get to your feet, still holding my hand. I look around, nobody's looking, why shouldn't we dance? Girls dance with each other all the time… it's nothing out of the ordinary.

You step a little closer to me, and as your cheek touches mine you whisper. "Well I don't know about you, but I've got exactly what I want."

The music is nice, I don't know the song but it's good, easy to dance to. Your arms are around my waist, my hands linked at the back of your neck, our bodies are pressed close and we sway, ever so slightly, in time with the music. We're getting a lot of weird looks, but I don't care. Let them stare, let them wonder, let them gossip all they like, because one day soon… it'll be us Padfoot, one day we'll be standing under that flowery arch. I promise you that. I don't want to say it out loud just yet, and nor do you, but I think we both know where to go from here. I mean, that one big, eye-popping moment is what it all boils down to, really. It's the ultimate expression of love. And that's what this is, maybe it was just sex for a while, but it was always going to be something more. We were never a fling, honey. Not ever.

**So close that I can't see what's going on.**

I'm sitting in the window seat, going over and over James' potions essay. He promised me chocolate frogs, with a stunted remark about me always doing your homework without expecting confectionary in return… he stopped himself before saying your name, but I knew what he was talking about. For somebody training to be an auror, James's potions notes are preposterous. Stinksap does _not _turn the draught yellow… you're not even _supposed _to use Stinksap at all! I cross out the offending paragraphs... rewriting them on fresh parchment in a perfect imitation of James's handwriting. The things we do for chocolate.

I can hear footsteps in the corridor, they're hesitant, and the feet scuff a little on the stone floor, I know those footsteps and I wonder what you have to ask this time. Your questions are mostly trivial... we haven't talked about 'us' yet, but I know you want to. I promised I wouldn't love you, promised I wouldn't come crawling back… but I'm a bad person Sirius, I can't keep you out of my head and I don't know how long it'll be before I crack.

"Remus?" You call from beneath. "Are you up here?"

"Yes." I reply. "Just finishing Prongs's essay."

You open the door and walk towards me, I feel my heart rate increase but I don't show it. You keep your distance, leaning on the wall.

"Lazy git, isn't he?" You say, watching my quill flick over the parchment. "I hope he's paying you."

"Ten chocolate frogs." I reply. "I'm hoping to get Flamel, I haven't got him yet."

"Oh." You mumble. I try not to show you any signs of distress as you sit down next to me. My heart palpitates and my quill quivers in my hand.

"Remus?" You mutter, you're looking at me now, holding my gaze with that steely stare of yours. "Can we talk?"

"What about?" I murmur back, my voice is low, but painfully innocent.

"You know what, Remus."

"Siri…"

"Look, I know what your answer will be and I know how you feel, but can we at least talk about this?" Your voice rises a little and I shrink back into the seat. Your eyes are penetrating. I roll up James's essay and wait for the hurricane.

"Fine." I mumble. "Talk."

You run your fingers through your hair, you've been looking sallow lately, and I wonder if you're getting sick, but that's not it, is it?

"Rem, Moony… I've been thinking a lot…"

"Mmm?"

"Oh, how do I… I've been thinking about what happened that night… before you… before you said…"

"Yeah?"

"And you... well… the wolf, got kind of pissed with me."

"And I practically detached your jaw…" I murmur. "How could I forget?"

"Well… it's just… before that, everything was fine… and all of a sudden, you hurt me, by accident, and you say that you don't… you don't… _love me_… anymore."

"Sirius… just get to the point." My voice is catching in my throat. I don't want to talk about this. If you crack me… I'd never forgive myself… but it'd be worth it, wouldn't it, to have you back in my arms, to have something to live for again?

"Well… I mean, if I'm wrong, just tell me to piss off… but… sometimes I get the feeling you only really… uh..."

"Hmm?"

"You only... left me… to keep me safe. And I want you to know that I don't care if you hurt me, I can take care of myself, I'm a big boy…" You're talking to quickly… "And anything, _any_thing, is better than this."

I try to tell you that you're wrong, I try to make up some story about a girl, but my voice isn't working well enough. I swallow hard and open my mouth, but nothing comes out.

"Moony, just tell me to go." You say, your voice is soft, but with that edge to it, and I know you're on the verge of tears. My voice cracks, I crack.

"Don't go." It's only the shadow of a whisper, but you pick it up, your face starts to glow, that long dormant smiling creeping back in like the dawning sun.

"Moons?" You're so close now, so close that I can't see what's going on, and I break, all those long weeks of hard self control… keeping me from crawling back… wasted, and it feels so good.

"I'm sorry Sirius, I'm weak and selfish and stupid…. But just… don't go…"

And so you lean in. You lean in and your breath is on my skin… I let James's homework clatter to the floor and the sound echoes like a scream. I touch my fingers to your skin and I and I can almost feel the blood rushing beneath it. I can barely believe I've denied myself this necessity for so long. Something inside of me is re-knitted, made whole again as I fold my arms around you.

"I've missed you so much Padfoot."

**A/N: **_**Yeah… so I'm sorry it's so fluffy… but I, have been deprived of romance in my own life for so long that I can't even remember what it's like, am sort fluffy myself… so, read and review... it would mean a lot. I'll probably have the last few chapters up tomorrow… this might well be the first piece of writing I ever finish… **_


	5. Verse Four

**A/N: Last chapter! I can't believe I actually finished something! I never finish anything… anyway… yeah I had to reuse a few lines because I couldn't really find three different scenarios for on line so you sort of get the idea… but yeah. I hope you like it!**

_**Stones taught me to fly.**_

_**Love taught me to lie.**_

_**Life taught me to die.**_

_**And it's not hard to fall,**_

_**When you float like a cannonball.**_

_**Stones taught me to fly….**_

_**Love taught me to cry**_

"Wait, so what happens to Simba?" Your hand is clutching mine tight. I haven't seen anybody cry over the Lion King before, especially not a sixteen-year-old boy, but there you are, sniffling away over Mufasa like a five-year-old girl.

"But what will he do? He can't run away, he's just a little baby."

"Just watch the movie, Siri." I say, you curl into my side. They don't have movies in the wizarding world, so you like coming to my place in the summer to watch them especially Disney. It's pretty cute really, watching you sob away over cartoon lions when I've never seen you shed a tear over your family dramas, or your fights with James…

"But what if Scar gets him?"

I grab the remote and put the cartoon on pause, proceeding to throw the control back on to the rug.

"Sirius Black, you are the world's biggest softy. It's only a movie."

You scowl at me, crossing your arms across your chest. "I'm not soft."

"You're _cry_ing over The Lion King."

"I'm not crying."

"Yes you are."

"Well, if I am, it's your fault."

"How is it my fault? I didn't write the script."

"You've turned me soft."

"Have I?"

"Yes! Every time I look at you I want to recite poetry about rainbows and small fluffy animals frolicking in fields of flowers."

"That. Is. So. Gay."

"I know; it's terrible! Before you came along I wouldn't be seen dead with tears in my eyes, but now…"

"You cry about Disney movies."

"Love taught me to cry, Remus, loving you taught me to cry."

"You're a marshmallow…."

"What's a marshmallow?"

"You… what…. You've never? Oh… man, Siri! You are missing out on life!"

These are the times I like the best, not that the sex isn't great too, but I love this the most. Laughing with you, talking with you, holding you in my arms while you blubber and sob over cartoon lions… it's times like now when I can see you the clearest, my silly, childish, beautiful Padfoot.

**Come on courage; teach me to be shy.**

It's twenty past twelve, and everybody waits, fingers drumming, eyes half closed, for the sound of the bells. Nobody likes History Of Magic, not even me. It has the potential to be good, I love the content, and the assignments are always fascinating, but Professor Binns just can't stimulate the class… he take monotonous to a whole new level. I'm sucking on a sugar quill; James always has them on hand. I glance in your direction, I'm getting used to it now, that little flip inside of me whenever I see you face, it's been so long since I've been able to talk to you without tripping over my tongue. You catch my eyes before I can look away, your mouth is twisted into a friendly smile and I know that you need o ask me something. As the bells ring, I prepare to explain to you that I haven't been taking too many notes lately, and I'll probably be of no use, but you grasp my shoulder and the sincerity in your eyes is a little frightening.

"Moooony…" You sway a little, your arms behind your back, and I know that you want something, something I may be unwilling to give.

"What do you want?" I ask, the tone of a disapproving mother laced all through my tone. You bat those long feathery lashes at me but I'm holding on to the stairwell so my balance remains steady and my manner un-phased.

"Are you… busy? Now?" You ask.

"No Sirius. It's lunch time, why would I be?"

"Um… I… I don't know."

"Spit it out Pads, what can possibly be so desperately embarrassing that you can't tell me?"

"I need some advice." You say, almost too quickly as we walk towards the common room.

"If you must know, I haven't been paying any more attention in History Of Magic lately that you have." I see you raise your eyebrows out the corner of my eye.

"No Remus, it's not that sort of advice."

We climb through the portrait whole, the common room is empty. I try not to think too much about the fact that I'm alone with you. You scratch your ear absently, flicking your long black locks out of your face with a turn of your head. I feel sick, nauseous, and so we sit.

"I need some relationship tips."

I stare at you, open mouthed. The great Sirius Black, temptress of the generation, is asking _me _for relationship tips.

"Don't look at me like that."

"Sorry, it's just… never mind. I don't know much about girls, you know."

"Yeah. But you're a lot more… sentimental than I am… you know?"

"No. But whatever."

"You are."

"You make me sound like a pouf."

You mutter something that sounds like 'You probably are.' But I shrug it off.

"So why do you seek my endless knowledge, my young apprentice?" I ask softly.

"Endless knowledge… as if."

"Well, if you're going to be like that, I'm going to go grab some lunch."

"No… Moony... wait."

"Hmm?"

"I think I'm in love."

My heart sinks, liquefying, oozing down into my socks and freezing around my toes. You were slain… finally slain… now my chances were less that zero, I stay anyway... if you need my advice I'll be here.

The conversation that follows is weird… I mean, you talk a lot of shit… but this is verbal diarrhea like I've never seen… it's going to take me a long time to work you out Sirius Black, subtle hints and all.

"With who?"

"Does it matter?"

"No… I guess not… doesn't she like you?"

"Well… they... I don't think they know."

"Then tell them."

"I can't"

"Why the hell not?"

"It's too… risky."

"Then drop some hints, pull that flirt face."

"Well… that's the thing… I keep dropping hints, all the time… I'm being less subtle than I've ever been and they just can't pick it up."

"Maybe you're being too forward then?"

"You think I'm being too forward? Is it annoying?"

"What? Why does it matter what I think?"

"It… doesn't... I mean it does, but... you know."

"So..."

"So what do I do?"

"Be shy, play hard to get, make them see how badly they want you."

"But what if they don't want me?"

"Sirius, everyone wants you."

"You think so?"

"Yeah."

"Hmm... so… stop being less forward."

"Yeah, it's not hard."

"Not hard for you."

"Well… maybe I don't have such a high opinion of myself."

"You should."

"What?"

"Nothing… so I need to be shy?"

"Yes."

"Well... come on courage. Teach me to be shy."

"You can't teach somebody to be shy."

"Oh…"

"Hmm."

"Moony?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you play hard to get sometimes?"

"No… why would I?"

"Oh… I don't know…"

"You're so weird."

"Good weird or bad weird?"

"Good weird."

"Moony…"

"What, Sirius?"

"I… will you… save me some pumpkin pasties… I need to take a piss."

I have a funny feeling that's not what you were going to say, but I let you go, wondering, worrying. Who is she? Why can't you tell me? Maybe she isn't a she at all, and that's why you snapped at me… maybe it's... I mean… you were being awfully… no... no of course it's not me… then again…

_**It's not hard to fall**_

_**And I don't want to scare her.**_

My best suit, still tatty, like everything I own, has a stain on it. I'm rubbing at it with a cloth in the bathroom mirror. It takes a lot more than a comb and a splash of water to make me look acceptable these days, women are lucky, they can cover up a bad night's sleep with make-up. I could do that. I have done that. But it just wouldn't be funny anymore. There are potions that could do it, take away that pasty look, but I'm all out, and it isn't as if I can call up Snape…

I run my thumb over my moustache… wondering whether or not to shave it off. You never liked facial hair much, and you wouldn't kiss me if I hadn't shaved in a while… maybe that's why I grew it… to piss you off. I don't like it either; it makes me look old. I am old. I don't mind being old though, I always liked the idea of you and I growing old together, sitting by the fire eating treacle tart with what was left of our teeth and knitting Hogwarts scarves for James and Lilly's Grand-kids… it's always things like that, fantasies and dreams for our futures, that come back to haunt me, more so perhaps than the memories of the times I really spent with you.

"Hey gorgeous." Tonks bursts in to the bathroom, she slips inelegantly on the bathmat and tumbles into me, her arms grab my waist to stop her fall.

"You're looking smart." She strokes a hand down my cheek.

"Going somewhere without me?"

"I have to sign some papers." I mumble, the papers have to be signed, I have to go through the process of re-explaining to the law that you and I were… well… bonded by contract… so as I can break that bond in order to create another. But it's just paper Sirius… ink on paper. That bond will never really be broken, I promise.

"Oh."

Tonks isn't a homophobe; in fact, I think she finds the concept of you and I pretty cute, but it makes her feel a bit awkward. As it should, you know. It's a touchy subject. She knows where I'm going, and I don't want to tell her out loud. It's nice to know she hasn't forgotten, Tonks forgets a lot of things…

"You don't need me to come?"

"No… no… it's fine." I don't want her to come. She doesn't need to see. I hate it when she catches me crying over you, she understands, but it must be hard. I want her company, but I don't need it, and I don't want to scare her. This is something I have to do by myself.

_**It's not hard to fall**_

_**And I don't want to lose…**_

My eyes are prickling as reality comes back into focus. The sun filters through the curtains of our bedroom. You've got up to cook breakfast, because you said you would, but the bed is still warm from your body. I'm a little bit sore, but that's just what happens when you get to be this old. 'Thirty five is not old.' You always say, but it is when you're a werewolf, not that we don't live as long as your average human, but the transformation does tend to put a little strain on your body.

I can hear you crashing around downstairs as I crawl out from beneath the covers. You don't notice me as I walk in, you're making to much noise.

"The frying pan's under the sink, man."

You turn your head, your hair is all over your face and you brush it away, smiling. Your blue t-shirt has holes in it, which is a shame because it brings out the blue in your eyes, you say you like 'holy' clothes, they make you feel 'saint-like'.

"How come you know where everything is? I can't even find my own head most of the time." You say, throwing bacon into the frying pan.

"Because." I lean against you, pressing my lips to your neck. "I'm the one that usually does the washing up."

"Moony…?" You mumble softly.

"Yeah?"

"Do you… do you mind if Harry comes over for the weekend?"

My smile dims… that usually means I have to make myself scarce. As proud as you are of me you still feel the need to hide me from your godson. I shrug my shoulders.

"Yeah… that's fine. I can… " before I can finish my sentence you press a finger to my lips.

"No… no… stay Remus, please, it'd be nice."

"But how would you explain to Harry why mild-mannered Professor Lupin is staying in your flat?"

"Remus, we need to tell him, he's the closest thing we have to a son, he deserves to know."

"Won't he… you know… freak out? Teenage boys tend to… sort of… run screaming at the mention of the 'g' word."

"Remus, he's fifteen… he's not a baby, I'm sure he'll cope."

"James did." I mumble. Your smile falters and I see the memories slip across your face.

"Yeah. James did."

"If you want Harry to know, then it's alright with me. He's your godson." I touch a hand to the slightly stubbly chin of your jaw.

"You're worried though," You say, looking into my eyes for some sort of answer. "Why?"

"I'm not worried, it's fine."

"Moony…"

"I… he trusts me, he respects me and I'm just…"

"Worried that he won't think so much of you when he finds out you're secretly fucking his godfather?"

"Yeah. I mean, he's like a son to me too Siri, and I don't want to lose…" I'm half way through expressing my doubts when your lips crash on to mine. You kiss me as though you might eat me from the face down, devouring my every fear, my every thought. With your kiss comes reconciliation. Harry's a clever kid, he'll see, he'll understand.

We break apart, our fingers are locked together between us, I twist the golden band on your finger and wonder what it would be like if Harry did live with us, before I came to terms with the fact that we'd never be able to have our own kids, I'd never really thought about adding a third sum into the overall equation… I lean my head against your shoulder, feeling the warmth of your skin against mine. I know we're not exactly the uniform couple, but I can imagine us being good parents Siri…

"I love you." You whisper against my hair. I never grow tired of hearing you say that.

_**It's not hard to grow, when you know that you just don't know.**_

It's funny, looking back on all out years of Hogwarts like this, knowing… realizing that it's all over. I remember _our_ graduation, don't you? I'd just agreed to move in with you. It seems like a million years ago, doesn't it? Yet, standing here looking over the lake again it could have been yesterday. Neither of us really wants to be here, to see Regulus and his cronies graduate, but Lilly and James wanted to come, and I promised them we'd meet them here. We haven't seen them much lately. Dumbledore looks the same, all the teachers do. McGonagall's a little greyer, probably your fault. The seniors are all flitting across the stage, grabbing their prizes. Lilly and James watch them with a strange sort of pride. You're cleaning your nails with you teeth. I'm holding your hand in the audience, anxious for it to all be over.

"So, you're proud of wee Reggie, then Pads?" James gives you a friendly punch to the shoulder.

"Well… I came with the intention of charming his pants to disappear on stage, but Remy warned me against it."

"Lucky you've got Remus around then." Lilly is smiling; her hand is on her tummy. They're expecting a child, in July. They haven't told you yet, but James has named you godfather.

"Well… yeah, he said that everyone'd know it was me." You scratch your head. You look lovely with your hair tied back off your face, it draws attention to how perfect your cheekbones are. I don't realize I'm staring until you catch my eye, your smile is nervous. What are you anticipating?

Lilly pulls us both into a hug. "I haven't seen either of you in so long, stop being strangers!"

"Not since a few weeks after the wedding." James sticks out his bottom lip, but his face suddenly twists into a knowing smile.

"Speaking of which… you two aren't … thinking about… I'm not going to be shaking the dust off my best robes any time soon am I?"

You look at me and I look at you. "I don't know." I mumble. But nobody's paying attention, Dumbledore is standing on the stage, his arms outstretched in a request for silence. He talks for a long time, the same things we heard at our own graduation, but there are a few things, a few new pearls of wisdom that sink in deep.

"… and now you're old enough and ugly enough to realize that, however hard you try, however hard we try, you know but the tiniest portion of nothing, school is important, but nobody can know everything, that's the way it will always be. Now you're free to make use of whatever little snippets you've picked up along the way, so go on, grow up, make some galleons, run a flobberworm petting zoo… do what you feel you must. After all, it's not hard to grow when you know that you just don't know… anything at all."

Some kids are clapping, some look confused, Dumbledore's speeches were always batty, and this one reached a new height of gobbledygook, but it made sense somehow… we know but the tiniest portion of nothing… knowledge isn't really important, so long as you know enough to get by, and I know you… you're all I really need.

Your hands are in your pockets; you're not looking at my face. It was you that decided to walk to the astronomy tower, we've only been gone a few years and we don't need a guided tour, thank you very much. We're not with James and Lilly; they went to talk to Frank… or somebody… I feel sentimental and girly for thinking it, but nothing's changed, of course it hasn't, we haven't been gone long, but I feel like so much has passed between us and Hogwarts that… oh… you know me, I'm just a sentimental old fool.

"Why the astronomy tower?" I'm puffing as we reach the top of the stairs. I was never as fit as you, too scrawny perhaps.

"Good view… why? Do you want me to carry you?" You smirk like a child. I love that face, I remember the day it turned from the 'I'm planning something wicked' face, into the 'I'm picturing you naked' face. That was a good day.

It's dark outside; the air up here is crisp and clean. I can see the sickle moon, and the constellation that your parents named you after. It's really beautiful up here. I can hear the music from the great hall like the distant murmur of sirens… I like parties, but I'm happy to not be a part of it right now. We walk to the rail, hand in hand.

"I miss this place." You murmur softly, there's a hint of that seductive growl in your voice. I move a little closer to your body. You warp a tender arm around my shoulders.

"So do I." I reply. "But I still have the best parts to take with me."

"Everywhere you go, for the rest of your life." You whisper into my hair. "I swear."

"I love you Sirius Black." I take one hand off the rail and twist it through your hair, your face creeps closer to mine and your breath pours over my lips, it tastes of cream buns and butter beer.

"I love you too Remus Lupin." You whisper, and your lips touch mine. I kiss you softly, our lips moving against each other like the sea against the sand. I take your face in my hands and the kiss becomes harder. Your tongue pokes between my lips, licking across my teeth and sliding down into the cavern of my opening mouth. I press myself against you, feeling our bodies melt together like candle wax, I wish I never needed to eat or breath or move so I could stay pressed to you forever.

"Moony." You stroke my face as we draw apart. "I love you."

"I know."

"So much. I want you with me forever." Your eyes are glassy... are you… are you _crying_? "And… I know now… that that's never going to change Moony, you're the only thing I want out of life."

"Where's this all stemming from Pads?" I whisper. "Aren't I usually the soppy one?"

"I was just… I was just thinking about what James said… down at the hall…"

My heart starts to race like an angry stallion, it thumps against my ribs like a prisoner behind bars. James had said a lot of things down at the hall, but one of them kept springing to mind.

"What did James say?" My voice catches in my throat, hoarse, painful, like I've swallowed my own heart… You're taking my hand, you're starting to fall… you're on one knee… with your hand in your pocket… I can't breath…

"Marry me…"

_**The End.**_

**A/N: The End, those words look really weird. So… yeah… I hope you liked it and it wasn't too shit for a beginner, but yep. You'll probably be seeing some more of me. **


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